Deadline Day with Daniel Levy

This exclusive article takes a look at the final day of the transfer calendar through the eyes of the most powerful man in North London.

6:00am: Rolling over weary-eyed, Daniel Levy awakes and checks his phone. Five missed calls from Harry Redknapp and a voicemail. He goes back to sleep.

7:30am: Wakes up again and decides to listen to the voicemail.

"Orite Dan, it's 'Arry. Just wonderin' if I could 'av a couple of your lads on loan? I like that Eric Dier, he's a top, top player. Gimme a call."

8:00am: A close deciphering of Redknapp's message leads Daniel to the conclusion that Eric Dier is wanted on loan. Laughing, he toasts his bagel and heads on out the door to meet MoPo and Balderz (Pochettino and Baldini to those not as close)

8:30am Arrives at the training ground, suitcase in hand. A couple of the lads have turned up for training early. He regretfully informs a fully-kitted Kyle Naughton that his services will no longer be required as Barnet have put in a £20,000 offer.

9:00am After some witty banter with Tea Lady Doris, he sits down at his office. Mauricio and Franco knock and enter, sitting down on Levy's luxury leather sofa he got from the DLS half-price sale.

9:15am The whiteboard is out and the men are literally drawing out their transfer targets. Baldini, known for his artistic insight, paints a stunning portrait of Wilfried Bony. The men agree that it's a beautiful picture and head off to Wales in Levy's private jet to try and finalise a deal.

9:30am Since Levy's jet is a working replica of that used by the X-Men, they arrive in no time at all. Wilfried Bony's house can be seen in the distance and the three amigos knock on the door.

9:30am+five seconds later, Bony opens the door. The men enter his mansion and are immediately impressed by the amount of boxing memorabilia on the walls. Suddenly it all makes sense to Daniel, as he glances at Bony's oversized shorts and boxing gloves. This doesn't deter Mr. Baldini, who leads Bony to the other room for negotiations.

9.45am The kettle has been boiled and the two men are drinking expensive Welsh coffee. Baldini's role as International Director Unto New Names Overseas is made evident straight away as he begin coaxing Bony into a move. Levy ties up a fee with the Swansea director who cannot be named for legal reasons.*

*No one know who he is.

10.00am "So let me explain one last time. You'll be given a house, a car, a nice £70k p/ week and a place up front. What do you say?"

               "Well, I'm not thoroughly convinced if I'm honest."

               "Okay. Don't tell Daniel but I'll sneak you £500,000."

               "Deal."

10.30am After shaking hands and signing the contract, Bony is announced on by @SpursOfficial on Twitter.

1.00pm Sky Sports News and Jim "J-Money" White announce the exclusive news that Bony signs for Tottenham in Sky's inaptly named 'First Fast Now' programme. Immediately Spurs fans take to Twitter and rave about Bony being 'one of the Premier League's best strikers' and 'someone they've always rated'.

1.30pm Levy performs his bi-daily bank account check and finds £500,000 missing. Instantly accuses Baldini of stealing this money which the Italian wholly denies.

1.31pm Baldini is sacked with immediate effect and @SpursOfficial report Steffen Freund will be given the role of 'IDUNNO'.

2.00pm Gary Cotterill's coverage outside White Hart Lane takes a turn for the worst when fans turn on him for 'having a face like Ozil'. Police are called and the trouble is broken up.

2.30pm Now in charge of his own transfer targets, Mauricio Pochettino outlines Aston Villa's Ron Vlaar as a potential signing.

3.00pm Talks with Daniel Levy commence over a tuna baguette. Levy wishes to offer half of said baguette in exchange for Vlaar on a three year contract. Unwilling to dissuade him for fear of getting the sack, Pochettino agrees. The pair take the jet to Birmingham to continue talks with Vlaar's representatives.

3.30pm Levy puts his half-eaten tuna baguette on the table and winks at Randy Lerner. Mauricio Pochettino shuffles awkwardly in the background.

3.45pm Levy storms out of Lerner's office after a take it or leave it £10m offer is put on the table. Pochettino can be heard crying in the background.

4.00pm Elsewhere, a damaged Gary Cotterill is finally replaced by Davina McCall. She immediately begins flirting with Spurs fans.

4.30pm Across the country, Stoke fans gather outside the Britannia stadium menacingly. Watching. Waiting.

5.00pm Levy finally gets around to checking his emails. There are 5 unread messages and 5,000+ in the folder labeled 'Redknapp'. Levy opens and reads the messages, eyes glistening with monetary anticipation.

5.15pm Levy finds a couple of deals that suit him but they're not entirely perfect just yet. He picks up the phone and presses 'R' for Real Madrid.

5.20pm Finally, Florentino Perez answers.

             "We meet again, Mr. Levy. Enjoying our ex-players? Oh."

             "Damn you, Florentino. You can't have Vertonghen."

             "But enough, Mr. Levy. It's time for you to deal. £30m."

5.30pm Jan Vertonghen is announced as a Real Madrid player.

6.00pm Levy trudges back into Lerner's office, tail between legs and says he accepts the £10m offer. Lerner informs him that it has risen to £12m for the time wasted.

6.30pm Back in London empty-handed, Levy paces his office. Less than five hours remain to the deadline and Daniel is nervous. It is unlike him to leave a manager without the players he needs.

7.00pm Ryan Nelsen's phone rings. He informs Levy that he is now retired and hangs up.

8.00pm Stoke fans gather round the cameras outside of the Britannia like the Orcs of Middle Earth. Their eyes face several directions at once and some can be seen licking the gates of thee stadium entrance. David Craig wets himself in sheer terror.

9.00pm As Holby City ends, Levy is suddenly reminded by Pochettino that they're one central defender light. Levy reassures the Tottenham manager that there is nothing to worry about.

9.30pm Back in Birmingham, Levy tells Lerner that he accepts the £12m offer and wishes to make Vlaar a Spurs player. Lerner tells Levy it's now £15m.

10.00pm Outside White Hart Lane, Gary Cotterill (back to take Davina's place) tells the audience that a mysterious black land rover was just spotted entering the stadium. Fans speculate as to who the mystery player could be.

10.05pm Levy lodges ambitious £5m bid for Chelsea's Gary Cahill. Unsurprisingly, it is rejected.

10.10pm After an improved £6.5m bid is also rejected, Levy turns his attention to the Aston Villa centre half.

10.15pm Phillipe Senderos is announced as a Spurs player. Twitter crashes.

10.30pm Twitter is back online.

10.55pm The deadline is minutes away. Levy lays off Doris in a bid to gain a little more income. He then promotes Steffen Freund to Tea Lady.

10.59pm Pochettino decides 'you know what, I actually do want Schneiderlin.'

10.59.30pm A late bid for Leandro Damiao is rejected.

11.01pm Schneiderlin is photographed holding a Spurs shirt after completing a medical earlier. All's well that ends well.

11.30pm Jim White announces that a paperwork issue has caused the transfer of Morgan Schneiderlin to Tottenham to break down. Twitter crashes again.

12.00am Daniel Levy climbs into bed, a wry smile appearing on his face. He knows he has made a real difference today.


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