The Big Review - 2013/14 Season

 

Brace yourselves. Words are coming. Lots of them. Over 2,000, which is more than most of my university essays. If you're of the optimistic disposition it might be best to look away now. This article is about as much fun as... well, our season. Enjoy.

£100m. Bale out. Disappointment. False dawns. Frustration. Sacking. Morons. These are just some of the key words used to describe our season. A word which has gained some fame on Twitter lately is the term 'Spursy' - loosely defined as an alternate method of failure in remarkable circumstances. That's certainly an apt description of what has gone on over the past 12 months.



Don't go breaking my heart...

Starting the season without the injured* Gareth Bale was no surprise. After months of speculation it was becoming ever clearer that he would be making the trip to Spain. Still, recouping a world record fee from the Welshman, combining with sales of our bit-part players amassed to a gargantuan £100m spending spree. "We've sold Elvis and bought The Beatles!", they said. Mind you... they also said "Mind the gap".

*Here, the term 'injured' refers to the convenient excuse developed to cover up future transfer dealings.



...I couldn't if I tried..... oh.

First through the revolving door was much heralded Brazilian Paulinho. Fresh from scoring the winner in the Confederation Cup semi-final before eventually lifting the trophy, Paulinho was a name that was fast becoming household. However, he was yet to kick a ball outside his native country. A risk by all accounts, but one that excited Spurs fans.



Not sure you'd need a scarf in July but hey

Following him was Belgian Nacer Chadli, a man built like Superman but accustomed to throwing his weight around like Clark Kent. By no means an awful signing at £7m, but never in a million years considered a replacement for Gareth Bale. Probably best known by Spurs fans as that guy who scored a freekick against us for FC Twente.



Lean on me, when you're not strong...

Perhaps the most exciting signing of the summer was Spanish goalmachine Roberto Soldado. Signing for a club record fee of £26m, fans queued for hours to get his name printed on our new kit. Including yours truly. How could it possibly go wrong?



August 2013: All smiles.

Later followed Étienne Capoue, a defensive midfielder who isn't afraid of being in possession. Certainly a different option to Sandro, the Frenchman cost a meager £9m by today's standards for a player of his talents.



Étienne 'Borat' Capoue. Is niceeeee.

The day before deadline day proved to be the most exciting. Vlad Chiriches, Erik Lamela and Christian Eriksen were all announced on the Spurs Twitter page one after the other. It was like Christmas and Hanukah rolled into one! The fans couldn't believe what they were seeing. Over £100m was invested into the side, and although fans were gutted over the impending departure of our talisman, there was reason to be cheerful.



I'm sure blue and white will be a nice change of pace for them.

As well as the departing Welshman, we lost a couple of other good players. Caulker, once thought of as the long-term solution to our defensive woes, was sold to Cardiff in a deal worth £9m. This was met with mixed responses; although the money was good, fans were annoyed at selling a young, talented player who had been at Spurs since youth level. Also out the door was long-serving midfielder Tom Huddlestone. Although not everyone's cup of tea, Tommy possessed an incredible range of passing which is a talent our squad would be sorely lacking throughout the season.



Don't worry Tommy, I still love you.

Transfers aside, the season had started rather well. Two wins from two, on paper, looked like excellent form. However, the reality was that the warning signs were there from the first week. Our inability to both create and take chances was appalling; two penalties separated us from two mediocre sides. Little did we know that Soldado had scored a third of his Premier League goals already.

Our frustration in front of goal was continued at the Emirates, where a tap-in from Olivier Giroud was enough to separate the sides over 90 minutes. What was most frustrating was our lack of cutting edge; this was fast becoming a theme of our season. Soldado was being wasted, not getting the chances in front of goal he deserved. Erik Lamela made a 15 minute cameo which would turn out to be a rare appearance for the Argentine.



Why did it have to be like this...

Then came another gut-wrenching blow. The sale of Gareth Bale to Real Madrid allowed Mesut Ozil to make his way to Woolwich and join up with Arsenal in a £42m deal, blowing our transfers out of the water. After laughing at us after the derby ("You spent all that money and still can't beat us!") they go and pull that out of the bag. Incredible. The feeling of optimism was fast becoming one of increasing negativity.

Speaking of negativity, it's about time I mention André Villas-Boas. I'm very much torn in my views on the man. On the one hand, I saw a young, upcoming manager with the potential to make it at the very top. He appeared keen to learn and had an appetite for success, combined with an apparent tactical nous. On the other hand... the man was just too stubborn. He had his policies and would not compromise regardless of what was happening on the pitch. The prime example of this is his inverted wingers combined with a poacher as a lone striker. How do you expect the likes of Andros Townsend, cutting in on their favoured foot and predominantly shooting, to deliver to Soldado with pinpoint accuracy? Some of his tactics were contradictory at best.



An enigma if ever I saw one.

Long story short, we just couldn't score enough goals. We failed to score 6 times leading up to mid-December, including a couple of embarrassing defeats at Manchester City and at home to supposed Champions League rivals Liverpool. Confidence was at an all time low and something had to give. AVB's head was on the line and, as expected, Levy pulled the trigger. It's too early to say whether this decision was the right one, and I'm sure we all have contrasting opinions on whether or not he was the right man for the job in the long run. If my two cents are worth anything, it's that the man's own stubbornness will be his downfall time and time again. Sometimes it's as simple as putting your own values to one side for the good of the team.

I don't suppose André Villas-Boas's credentials as Spurs manager were helped by his record in the bubbling cauldron of shite that is the Europa League. Six straight wins in the group stages allowed us to top the group with maximum points, but inevitably this came at a cost. Several crucial losses on Sundays followed our Europa League hangover, causing us to lose ground in the race for fourth. It was clear that AVB did not favour a particular competition when in hindsight it may have been wise to leave some of our stars at home for longhaul flights to the likes of Siberia.



The man was left to wonder where it all went wrong.

Enter the shitstorm that is Tim Sherwood. If I've been on the fence with my views on AVB, I've very much fallen on my splintered arse where Tim is concerned. Let's take a look at the positives first.

Tim's first few games were revolutionised by the return of one Emmanuel Adebayor, or the forgotten man to those with short-term memory deficiencies. Criminally underused by AVB to the point of one appearance all season, Ade returned to a flurry of goals and a new celebration to boot. Good thing too, as record European goalscorer Jermain Defoe was about to seek pastures new in Toronto, Canada.


What's novel now will soon become wearisome.

All the while, we're left wondering what has happened to poor Roberto Soldado. Just two goals from open play all season from a man that was used to scoring for fun in Spain. Only Tottenham could buy a £26m goal machine and turn him into this. The poor bloke had tried everything, from dropping deep to collect possession to slicking his hair back and calling himself Roberto Soprano. Nothing worked, and he finished his first season in English football with a meager six goals and no place in Spain's World Cup squad. If reading this paragraph made you feel depressed, imagine how he's feeling. It's like Gerrard slipping up against Chelsea stretched into nine agonising months.



February 2014: Not so much 'slick Rick' as 'two-bob Rob'

The problems didn't start and end with Soldado, however. Our defence, an absolute shambles all season, continued its fine form under Sherwood, as we took further heavy defeats from City and Liverpool again. Kyle Walker's injury left his understudy with a couple of months to prove his worth as a squad player. Rather than just berate Kyle Naughton's very existence, we'll move onto more seasoned pros such as Michael Dawson, the man whose effort and heart far proceed his ability as a footballer. Or perhaps Jan Vertonghen. whose ego prevent him from turning in the performances we know he is capable of. Combine this with Younes Kaboul's fucked knees, Vlad Chiriches's inexperience in the Premier League and Danny Rose's general ineptitude and you really do have a recipe for disaster.



If ever a photograph could sum up a player's entire career...

It wasn't all doom and gloom on the defensive side though. Hugo Lloris emerged as many fan's player of the season. We simply must retain Hugo at all costs, it's as simple as that. In this blogger's humble opinion he is the best goalkeeper in the league by some distance. God knows why he wanted to join us. Hugo combines his cat-like reflexes with excellent reading of the game as a modern day 'sweeper keeper', his agility shown when rushes out nearly exceeds that of Manuel Neuer. Here's hoping France have a shocking World Cup and maybe no one will notice the French captain!



Hugo Lloris - capable of taking 18 stone of Lukaku to the head and playing on.

Another would-be innovative move by Sherwood was the introduction of Nabil Bentaleb. More commonly known for being the gaffer's son or potential long-term romantic partner, Bentaleb offers a calming influence in the midfield for someone so young. Even if unspectacular at times, the lad showed us glimpses of a future in the Premier League. A loan move would serve him well in the new season.



'Nabil, I bought you some gloves. Try 'em on'
'But Dad, I'm in short sleev-'
'GOD DAMN IT SON, LISTEN TO ME'

Sherwood's hit and miss reign as Tottenham manager continued well into the New Year. Sure, there were high points. We won at Old Trafford (against a team managed by the only person more clueless than Tim himself), and drubbed a depressed Newcastle side 4-0 at St James's. But our main problem was the lack of a real footballing brand. Under Redknapp there was fast-flowing, exciting football. Under AVB there was rigid organisation to the point of boringness. But what about Tim? What type of football were we even playing?

At this point, I'm not even sure if Tim understands football. The term 'square pegs in round holes' could be used to describe some of his questionable tactics. Against Liverpool away, he deployed Icelander Gylfi Sigurdsson (Kevin Phillips take note of my pronunciation) as a defensive midfielder while Sandro remained an unused substitute. He also used Nacer Chadli as a central midfielder despite him spending his entire career either on the wing or off of the main striker. Go figure.



Some have taken to referring to him as 'Dim'. Can't imagine why.

Perhaps more poignantly, however, he certainly did not grasp the media aspect of the job. There are some real gems coming up.

(After losing 4-0 to Liverpool): "I sat in the stands because I didn't think I could affect the game from the touchline"

(On Sandro): "He's not good enough to be in the squad"

(On potential new manager Frank de Boer): "I don't know what he offers"

Only the four consecutive league titles, Tim.

Here's another memory for the season. WE LOST THREE TIMES TO WEST HAM FOR FUCKS SAKE. I felt like loading up FIFA, playing against West Ham and broadcasting it to Spurs Twitter, explaining how it should be done. Unfortunately I lost 4-1. That Andy Carroll sure is a handful!



How I'm left feeling after losing thrice to West Ham. THRICE.

The season ended in mediocre fashion. After years of false dawns, this campaign was to be another 'what could have been' one. Liverpool were the real benefactors of a season where freak results were a regular occurrence and some of the top sides struggled to find consistency. Now, I'm not the jealous type, but a voice in the back of my head is saying that we should have been the ones finishing second if we had kept Bale and bought proven, Premier League talent.

In hindsight, our signings had been hit and miss. After already lamenting Soldado's underwhelming performances, I'll look at some of the other big money signings. Paulinho came and went in flashes (although he's good enough for the Brazil squad so trust me, he's good enough for Tottenham), Chadli showed up every now and again, Chiriches was hit and miss, Capoue has been quite injury-prone and Lamela is missing presumed dead. That leaves one signing, who just so happened to be our player of the season.



Erik Lamela, 2014.

Christian Eriksen. What an absolute gem we have in this lad. I have no doubt he'll end up at one of Europe's elite one day in the future, and we're best enjoying him while he's still around. In his debut season he had a higher goals+assists tally than Arsenal's Mesut Ozil (at a quarter of the price). Not bad at all. Eriksen's close control, vision and deadly accuracy from set-pieces provided the bright spark in an otherwise dull season.



Eriksen reminds us of the real reason he signed.

2013/14 has left some fans pining for Redknapp, others circling outside Levy's office like vultures. No one really knows at this point what Levy has planned, and I wouldn't be surprised if it waits until after the World Cup. I certainly can. After a season of disappointment, it'll be good to watch England surprise everyone and bring home the trophy.*

*Fabricated lie, will not happen.

The undoubted highlight of a disappointing season was the day after the Premier League was brought to a close; Ledley King's testimonial. King, the definition of a Spurs legend, led a side filled with ex-stars against the current crop of players and won 6-3. It was a brilliant night for all involved and a proper send-off to our greatest defender in the Premier League era. You can stick your Sol Campbell up your arse!

Maybe a review of the World Cup is on the agenda this summer, who knows. Until next time. #COYS

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