The Sad Story of Leandro Damiao.

For the 19th time this decade, Tottenham have re-opened talks with Brazilian mystery Leandro Damiao. The player is expected to arrive at Levy HQ within the next week.


"This is how close the clubs are in terms of my valuation."


Damiao, who turns 24 in July, has been subject to a long-standing transfer affair with Tottenham. The bromance began a few years ago. I remember it like it was yesterday. My local Tottenham group was rife with excitement.

Poster One "We've been linked with this Brazilian bloke. Quite young. Meant to be really good."

Poster Two "Faakin want a Brazilian mate!"

Poster Three "Perhaps he won't settle in the Premier League?"

Poster Two "You must be a gooner you nob"

Poster Four "Here's a reminder of the rules."

Or words to that effect.

Damiao is something of an enigma. If I hadn't seen him with my own two eyes at the London Olympics then I'd be sure he was a figment of the collective media's imaginations. On one hand, he could be the answer to all our striking woes. Possessing a lethal shot and skill to match, he looks like he could genuinely be a great player.



"Will somebody just fucking sign me already?"

On the other hand, he could come to the Premier League, fail to score in his first 19 games and get booed out of White Hart Lane before securing a quick January move to Internacional while we curse our luck at having missed out on Aguero/Suarez/Cavani/Dirk Kuyt/Rivaldo.

In fact, I'm just peering into my crystal ball now...



This is Cristóbal. He tells me the future.

*Enter Daniel Levy and Mr. Internacional. For security reasons his real name cannot be disclosed*

Levy: Good evening, Mr. Internacional. I'm here to discuss your player Leandro Damiao. Let's do business.

Mr. Internacional: But Mr. Levy, it's 10 minutes to midnight on Deadline Day!

Levy: Please, call me Daniel. I'm willing to make you an offer you can't refuse.

Mr Internacional: Sounds tempting, do go on.

Levy: Adebayor. All expenses paid on the flight. We'll throw in Livermore.

Mr Internacional: Tempting. Take out Livermore and you've got a deal.

Levy: No can do. Okay, change of plan. £16 million.

Mr Internacional: Raise your offer to £17 million and you have a deal.

Levy: I'm not looking to spend that much. I will go up to £16.5 million at the most.

Mr Internacional: We have a deal, and with six and a half minutes to spare. I'll meet you downstairs to sign some last minute documents.

*Five minutes pass, as Levy begins counting from a jar of pennies. Apparently the extra £500,000 wasn't in the budget*

Mr Internacional: Okay Mr. Levy, please sign here and the deal is complete.

Levy: Okay that seems just about ri- WAIT A MINUTE. This says £16.5 million. I am not willing to go any higher than £16.45 million.

Mr Internacional: Mr Levy, time is running out. That is okay. £16.45 million and we have a deal.

Levy: I'm afraid not. I believe the player has dropped in value. I will not pay a penny more than £16.375 million.

~Secretary: 10 seconds Mr President.~

Mr Internacional: Okay okay, deal! Now just sign here.

Levy: Have you got a pen?

~cutscene~
Jim White: And that brings another glorious transfer window to a close!

*The next day*

~The Guardian are now reporting that Tottenham were within seconds of clinching a record-breaking transfer for Brazilian international Leandro Damiao!~
André Villas-Boas: Turn that off, Steffen. We've got to introduce the new player.

Steffen Freund: Lads, this is Clint Hill. He'll be playing target man this season.



"Yeah it went quite well"

***Disclaimer: I am a massive fan of Levy. This is done purely in jest.***

If this goes down okay there will be more parody posts to follow to tide us over to the new season. Don't forget to drop @OneHotspurWay a follow. #COYS